Twas the nights before Christmas, when all through the house
all the characters were stirring, when clicked by the mouse.
The big brown boxes were all stacked with care.
In hopes that someone would sneak in and wrap them right there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Patti Pies danced in their heads.
And Mama in her bonnet, and I with a night cap,
Wondered how Santa still got the credit for all of this crap.
When on the front porch someone hit the Ring on the door,
I sprang from my bed to see Mama had 1-day ordered more.
Away to the window I few like a flash,
Then pulled out my bank app to see if we spent all the cash.
The streets were filled with blue, brown, and yellow delivery vans
So many delivery companies with their own delivery plans.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear?
A dude dressed like Santa was standing out there!
Across the street staring mad and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
He sat there mad because his job they took
He whistled and shouted drunkenly, “you ole delivery crooks,”
Then he called them by name as he gave a last look
“Now Amazon, now Prime,
Now delivery without a dime!
On UPS and Instacart,
On Uber and Dash
Stop stealing my customers and taking my cash.”
I guess he decided he would not give away his holiday role
He turned to my neighbors house and climbed up the electricity pole.
Onto the roof he wanted to climb in
But these new modern houses had a chimney that was too thin
My nosey neighbor to left must have called 911.
And I saw my neighbor to the right pull out his gun.
St. Nick was dressed all in fur, from his head to foot
But his clothes looked raggedy as they were covered in soot.
He still had a bundle of toys flung on his back,
His face looked like Santa except for the stolen stuff in his pack.
His eyes how they twinkled? His dimples were still merry
His cheeks were like roses and his nose like a cherry!
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly
After he climbed down, disappointed he couldn’t deliver,
Po-po pulled up and pointed their guns at his liver.
“I’m Santa he yelled don’t you remember me!”
One cop yelled “Stop talking and get on your knees”
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Santa was pissed he was laying on a small jail bed.
He spoke not a word, but thought about all of his new time
Since now he has been replaced by Amazon Prime.
Outside of the jail he was released like a thistle,
He sprung to his sleigh and to his team gave a whistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight-
“Happy Christmas to all, but I’m quitting tonight.”